my seed projects

He understood that his “rabbit hole” contained the answers to his underlying unease, his sense of awareness that he was flawed, that his identity had been mauled, mistreated, obliterated, by trauma, by complex trauma, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome), Complex PTSD, emotional abandonment, dissociative disorder, grief and complex grief. Through the fellowship, he was aware that a solution was within his grasp, a solution was his for the making. He understood that though he was plagued with that sense of “Identity Theft,” his life could be different. He wanted different. He was now willing to take the “hard” look at what made him “tick,” at exactly what and where his past still haunted him. So, knowing “that a solution was within his grasp,” he asking himself the question, “of all of these memories from my past that are still expressing this sense of imprisonment, this sense of a “whole” identification that is still lost, which memories need me now the most?.” And, he allowed himself to relax, closing his eyes, and receiving feedback from body memory as well as from cognitive recall. He stepped through the portal into the light behind his eyes. He used his heightened sense of intuition to be present to the library of his lifelong memories. And his curiosity was rewarded. Hard, concrete facts from his earliest physical existence re-presented themselves. He had been conceived, that burst of creative energy where the single celled sperm from his Father imploded the single cell ovum from his Mother, creating a single celled Zygote. New life, a fertilized Ovum, in the womb of his energetically fertile mother. The caveat, his caveat was the history, his mother’s history, his father’s history prior to the union of their bodies that now gave him life. That historical, factual data, now written into his DNA expression, was the loss and resulting grief from the death of his next older brother. This older brother, born on the seventh of the month that celebrated gratitude for a successful harvest, had survived only twenty-three days. Cause of death was still unknown to him. What was known to him, to his now adult self, and had been known and recognized for the entire span of his adult life, was this historical event, with its emotional impact on both his Father and more importantly on his Mother at the moment of his conception. Loss, grief, shame and blame had to have been the overriding emotional cauldron his newly minted life force experienced. He accepted that his newly minted life force was a sponge, soaking up its now physical and emotional environment. He accepted that his newborn baby boy life soaked up the loss, the grief, the shame and the blame his Father and his Mother experienced. He now recognized, as the adult with the memory, that his creative expression was colored by events beyond his ability of control, much less understand. This was the catalogued memory that needed him most. His involvement in the fellowship gave him an understanding, cognitive though it was, of his emotional state of being during this critical developmental past experience. This was the memory container that needed him most, in his “now” adult experience. So, taking his understanding “that a solution was within his grasp,” he entered the portal behind his eyes. In his present adult experience, the calendar indicated the second full week of December, four weeks past his most recent birthday. Taking the information he had gleaned from his attendance at the fellowship, he imagined how he, a still emotionally crippled individual adult could care for himself as he once was so long ago. He decided his best approach (the solution that was within his grasp) was to re-parent himself. As any loving parent in the real world who was emotionally stable would care for a new born infant, he imagined in his minds eye, in the light emanating in the portal behind his eyes, a loving parent nurturing a newborn infant. He held, in his minds eye, himself, as the infant he had been physically so long ago. In his minds eye, he became a Father deeply in love with this newborn baby boy. He became a Mother deeply in love with this newborn baby boy. He became a loving parent. He imagined himself as Father to this newborn infant, shirtless, and the infant baby boy, naked. He imagined giving this child whom he loved tactile touch, the sensation of being caressed, lovingly. He imagined this naked infant baby boy resting on his exposed, shirtless adult chest. He imagined what the sensation of just touch, this touch, lovingly, selflessly given would give to the infant baby boy as this infant baby boy soaked up its new environment outside the womb of its mother. He hummed. He cooed quietly, just loud enough for his infant self to hear. He gently, carefully, with the lightest touch, ran his fingers up and down the tiny spine of the infant in his arms. And within this imagery, he imagined the tiny body of himself, being held, the warmth being generated as his tiny chest felt the sensation of touch he was receiving from the warm body of another. He soaked in the sensation of acceptance offered freely in this embrace. He bathed himself in this touch, as infant baby boy. Infant baby boy ears picked up the sound of soft humming, soft cooing. Relaxing in the acceptance and embrace, he drifted away, into a peaceful dreamscape………